Recently, I was faced with a moment of choice. I was with a group of friends, and the topic of a colleague we all know came up. In the past, I have joined the group in what was essentially a gossip session about this person with whom we all have a challenging relationship.
But I have made a commitment to be the kind of person who abstains from low-level behaviors such as gossiping, blaming, complaining, negativity, or pessimism. It’s who I aspire to be in my life, but it hasn’t always been easy to do.
If you have been following our work here at LionSpeak, are enrolled in one of our Leadership Academies, have attended one of my presentations, or have participated in a Team Calibration Retreat, you have likely made a similar commitment to yourself—to become the leader at work and in life that you know you can be.
But others know us as “who we have been,” not “who we aspire to become,” and it can create a moment of tension when we step into a new way of being and responding.
We don’t want to come off as snooty, condescending, or judgmental in any way, and, yet, if we really are committed to showing up better, our responses will take on a different tone and trajectory than they are used to, based on our past history with others.
So how do we show up differently and not make others uncomfortable, distrustful, or feel somehow shamed? It’s tricky, but here’s what I’m learning:
- No announcement is necessary. We don’t need to make a big deal or a public announcement that we are no longer participating in gossip or other negative conversations, at least not initially. I’ve simply been practicing my awareness that I’m finding myself in a moment of decision and then silently, internally choosing to lead rather than follow.
- Steer the conversation positively. I try my best to gently steer the conversation to a more positive place if I can, saying things such as, “Maybe we don’t know all the story” or “Could we show some grace because we’d hope she would do the same for us.” This doesn’t shame anyone for opening up the negative conversation but simply tries to point it in a different direction.
- Look at the bright side. In the case of negativity or pessimism, there is always another side to the coin, and at the risk of being pegged as an eternal optimist, I try to point out what we could be learning from this, what good might come from it, or what creative solutions we might turn our attention toward.
- Change the subject. If nothing works and the group remains committed to the negative conversation, I look for the first opportunity to shift our focus and change the subject. I find that eventually people around me get the message that I’m really trying to stay true to the person I aspire to be and without issuing much satisfaction in the way of a richly negative conversation, I find most people tend to follow my lead. And isn’t that what true leadership is all about—leading a negative world to a more positive future?
We truly must be the change we wish to see. We must make a solid attempt to walk our talk and become the person we say we want to be. It isn’t always easy to stay true to our principles and values, but it’s always worth it in the long run.
Sometimes, we don’t really know or feel comfortable with the persona of who we are becoming. I do believe it is our true self, but when that true self has been buried for years beneath all the world has taught us to be, it can be a foreign, unfamiliar, and even frightening place to operate from initially. In other words, we sometimes don’t know who we are or how to act and speak when we let go of our negative patterns of thought and speech.
You’ll just have to trust me that the real you—the you that is hopeful, positive, and kind—does know what to say, how to act, and what to do, but to change requires stepping from comfort through discomfort to find security in a new role. It takes practice. It takes making mistakes and falling back into old, well-practiced habits and then getting back up again, dusting yourself off, and recommitting for the umpteenth time to do better.
This week, I’m encouraging you to shed the old you that complains constantly about people and circumstances—the one who only sees the negative or is cynical about the future ever being better than it is now, the one who initiates or participates in gossiping about another person, the one who harshly judges others before assessing your own past or present shortcomings, the one who blames other people for your reality, results, and happiness.
You can shed that old persona, but it means allowing the real you out of the dark and into the light and trusting that you will find your way and adopt new patterns of being, the real you that knows complaining solves nothing and only succeeds in ruining the present moment as well as attracting the opposite of what you really want. The real you knows that if we look for good in people and events, we’ll find it every time. The real you that knows that gossiping about another person is a coward’s way of making ourselves look righteous while avoiding the real work of saying what we need to say to the person with whom we need to say it. The real you knows that blaming anyone else for your situation is the antithesis of taking responsibility and owning your past, present, and future.
Let the real you shine. You can learn how to become this bigger, better version of you. You don’t need anyone’s permission to do it. It’s your life that will improve. And only you can do it.
If you’d like support, ideas, simple frameworks, and coaching to help you or your team become better leaders and better versions of yourselves, reach out. We’d love to help you. By helping more people do better, we help the world do better, and that is our mission here at LionSpeak.
“Great minds discuss ideas. Average minds discuss events. Small minds discuss people.”
~ Henry Thomas Buckle
