Raise your hand if you love conflict or confrontation?
I frequently ask that question in groups I speak to and teams I coach, and usually one or two people will raise their hand. These are typically people who love a challenge or, in some cases, love “the fight” as they see it. Nothing wrong with it, just not how most of us react to this question.
The majority of us, if we’re honest, avoid conflict or confrontation if we can. These are certainly not on our favorites list of conversations. And why would they be? Without good role models or solid education about how to be successful, they have historically gone poorly and ended badly. Anything that consistently fails is something we are wired to avoid.
Many people I coach feel that by avoiding difficult conversations they will somehow protect the relationship overall, but evidence shows the opposite is true. Consider this data:
- One third of all resignations are due to unresolved conflicts.
- 65% of performance issues are due to unresolved conflicts.
- Only 40% of the workforce ever receives communication training, but 95% of those who did stated that their professional relationships improved significantly.
Avoiding doesn’t protect relationships; it erodes them over time.
So how can those of us inclined to avoid conflict and confrontation become better and more comfortable with these tough talks?
Here’s the magic combo: Simple skills, preparation, and a positive emotional state. That’s it.
When you learn a simple framework to navigate these conversations well, invest a little time in preparation, and go into the conversation with respect, non-judgement, and grace, it almost always goes better than you could imagine. The more you do that, the better you get at it. And, the better you get at it and the more success you have, the less you will avoid it. Over time, you can actually get to a place where you look forward to the conversations and the improved outcomes they create.
Simple skills are most often the distinction between good communicators and unsuccessful ones (“simple” being the operative word). In conflict, complexity is not your friend. In our virtual Leadership Academy, we teach a four-step process (called the A.R.C.H. formula) which is a framework for navigating a tough conversation well. Anyone can learn it.
Preparation builds our confidence and courage which helps us address issues promptly rather than procrastinating or avoiding. The earlier we address an issue, the easier it is to find solutions and build trust so preparing helps break the procrastination cycle. The truth is we either get better at having these tough talks when they’re needed or we default into delaying them and constantly trying to repair the relationships later.
A positive emotional state is the foundation of any confrontational conversation going really well. It means that we are speaking from a sense of positivity, optimism, respect, nonjudgement, and grace. This strong emotional state is what produces steady energy and believable body language congruent with our intention and message. It is the message we convey beneath the words we utter. It is what transforms conflicts and confrontations into trust-building conversations over time.
And remember, leaders always go first. If we want others to address issues with us earlier rather than later (or never), then we must do it first. If we want others to communicate with us respectfully, non-judgmentally, and with a heavy dose of grace, then we must do it first.
And while we’re at it, how about we give ourselves some grace and non-judgment? We’ve avoided these conversations because we didn’t know how predictable they could become, how well we could learn to navigate them, and how beneficial they could be in terms of the quality of our relationships and the overall professional success that fuels.
Skills, preparation, and a strong emotional state are the tools of all great communicators and leaders. You can learn them. You can master them. You can improve your relationships. You can enjoy the benefits of solving conflict, confronting issues, and improving performance sooner rather than later.
You don’t have to go it alone. Reach out to us. We’re here to help bring out the leader within you and within your team.
