When my boys were young, a few of the words that signaled you were “cool” were words like “rad” or “sick” or “gnarly.” I fortunately skipped over the era of “Whazzup!?” and “Chillax!” But one phrase that seemed to find its way into the popular lexicon over the last decade was “talk to the hand” which of course meant “stop talking to me,” or at least that’s what this grandmother interpreted it to mean. This week, I’d like to revive the phrase with an entirely new meaning in the context of managing conflict.
In conflict, our emotions are usually triggered. When we’re emotional, we tend to think, speak, and make decisions from the limbic (or primal) part of our brain which is reserved for our “flight, fight, or freeze” survival responses—never a great place to effectively resolve conflict.
When (and if) we can breathe into the situation and hit pause long enough to switch to the prefrontal cortex where empathy, logic, and intuition reside, we do much, much better. But, how do we do it in the heat of the moment?
Talk to the hand.
I once heard that our open hand could be an analogy for our brains with the palm of our hand representing our limbic region and our fingers representing our prefrontal cortex. When we’re in conflict, it’s like our hand is balled into a tight fist with only the primal responses firing and controlling our every thought, word, and deed. But, if we relax and open our hand, our fingers stretch outward, opening up and allowing access to our intuitive, rational, and more creative responses.
When I first heard this, I loved the notion of using the juxtaposition of our closed fist versus our open palm as a visible, accessible, simple reminder to breathe, relax, and move my attention to the best part of my brain for thinking, speaking, and making decisions.
Because I want to be seen and experienced by my family, friends, clients, employees, and even strangers as a kind, thoughtful, loving leader who communicates from a place of strength and non-judgement, it matters to me that I can control my emotions, manage my energy, and steer my thoughts to a positive, secure place in times of conflict and crises. Using my hand as a reminder of where to place my attention has been a helpful tool in creating success in this area of my life.
This week, when you feel triggered, try to look down at your hand as a reminder that you always have control over yourself and your responses. Decide to use your open hand and outstretched fingers as a reminder that the person you want really want to be is also open, flexible, reasonable, loving, and strong.
In a nutshell, when someone ticks you off, don’t tell them to “talk to the hand.” Tell yourself!
“You can’t shake hands with a closed fist.”
~ Mahatma Gandhi
