Minding the Gap

Mind the gap.

The first time I saw this famous phrase painted on a sidewalk in London, the metaphor for life was not lost on me. Of course, in London, it was a warning to pay close attention to the gap between you and the oncoming train or traffic (which comes from the opposite direction we expect for Americans since the British drive on the other side of the road)!

In life and business, there are many gaps which are helpful to “mind”—the gap between productivity and profit, understanding and mastery, resolution and action, perception and reality.

I recently attended the annual DEW Life Retreat (Dental Entrepreneur Women) in Charlotte, NC, and listened to several amazing speakers. One was a colleague, friend, and past client, Robin Rameriz, who is an expert in something she calls Conversational Intelligence.

She talked about how great communicators are constantly working on closing the gap between their intent in a conversation and the actual impact of their conversation on the intended recipient. It was so simple yet so profound, assessing the gap between intent and impact, between what we meant to convey and what we actually conveyed.

She commented that the best teacher is our own awareness of this gap. I love this idea, and, because I’m committed to being the best communicator I can be with the people in my life, I decided to put it into action. For one whole week, I focused on the gap with as many conversations as I could with my husband, my business manager, clients, my grown children, and my friends. I set my intention and then tested the gap. I did pretty good but not as good as I thought I would. I mean, I teach this stuff for a living and so you would think I would have mastered it by now. However, I found that minding that gap really was the best teacher.

It first required that I thought about and decided upon an intention. Next, I had to focus on communicating clearly, being present in the conversation, and being curious about the other person’s position and their translation of my message. Lastly, I had to test my success rather than simply assume it. I always think I’ve been clear. I always feel I’ve been positive, kind, and empathetic. But am I actually perceived and experienced this way? Turns out, I am mostly, and sometimes surprisingly not.

Noticing the patterns of when the communication landed as intended and when it did not gave me invaluable feedback for how to improve.

I learned that when I’m stressed and in a hurry, I’m not very clear. When I breathe, slow down, and get present, I do much better.

I learned that when I multitask during my conversations, I’m not perceived as caring or sincere.

I learned that when I want or need something from someone, it’s much better to find out how this would benefit them, how they feel about it, or where they are in relation to it first before proceeding with my request.

I learned that certain words and phrases mean one thing to some people and another to me.  Words like “assertive,” “urgent,” “possibly,” and “complete” meant different things to the people I was communicating with than they did to me.

I learned all of this by minding the gap between intent and impact.

If you care about stepping up your game as a leader and communicator, focus this week on minding your gap and let the awareness of that gap be your best teacher with useful, useable feedback from those who matter in your life and work.

“Good communication is the bridge between confusion and clarity.”

~ Nat Turner