We all talk, but I talk for a living. I’m a speaker, trainer, and coach, and that’s what I do. I talk. Good thing that I love to talk. I always have—just ask my parents, teachers, kids, and spouse. Lucky me, they are really good listeners.
I was the kid with my hand up in class. I was always the first to volunteer. I especially love to tell and to share stories. I love to talk about great trips, a great movie, a fabulous meal, a funny experience, a moving moment, a precious memory. And I’m good at it, or so I’ve been told. I mean, doesn’t everyone love a good story? I hardly ever meet a stranger, and I love to banter back and forth about what we have in common. I thought everyone felt this way until some years ago when I read this line:
“Sometimes in an effort to connect and share in the experience, great conversations get hijacked and turned into something that actually serves to disconnect rather than to engage. When we constantly interject with a shared experience every single time someone shares something with us, we take the focus off the other person and steal it for ourselves.”
That’s when I got it. I thought the comment, “Me TOO!” was a connector, but it’s not. I mean it’s great to share experiences with other people, but when our constant reply to their sharing is, “Me TOO!” we aren’t building connection. We’re stealing the attention and focus.
Instead, I’ve discovered that the antidote to stealing the focus is to be curious and use inquiry to build connection.
“I love to travel.”
Instead of replying with, “Me, TOO!” It is better to respond with, “Traveling is great. Where’s your next trip?”
This helps you validate them and encourage them to share more of what they are interested in talking about. It’s such a simple concept but one that only a few communicators I’ve observed have mastered.
If connection and good communication matter to you, then don’t hijack the conversation. Validate and get curious. This doesn’t mean you won’t share, too, in the conversation. It just means that you will spend a little more time with the spotlight on someone else before you turn it on yourself.
It’s how we build bridges and truly connect.
“Stay curious, keep learning, and keep growing. And always strive to be more interested than interesting.”
~ Jane Fonda
Comments
This is a good one. “Validate and get curious.” This is a nice, short reminder that fits well on a sticky note. A very powerful message on a little square of paper…
That’s an AWESOME idea, Nikki! I’m doing that right now for myself! Thanks for the kind note this morning. Here’s to a great week ahead.
This is such a great reminder! By adjusting my response a tad, I can show I am truly interested – and can learn something. It’s “tell me more”, without saying “tell me more”. Thanks, Katherine!
That’s exactly right, Marilyn! It really does work well in conversation. Thanks for taking the time to write your thoughts to us. So glad you enjoyed this morning’s message. Have a great week!
Love this! Spot on too!
Thanks, Linda! Hard to do for us expert talkers and storytellers, right?!