Today would have been my mother’s 85th birthday. Sadly, she died unexpectedly 10 years ago. Her birthday always brings back a flood of memories which seem to accentuate how much I miss her.
My mother left me with many lessons and moments of wisdom, but, as I celebrate her life and her impact on mine this week, a very specific one comes to mind.
My sister was 3 years younger than me and, as all sisters do, we bickered and argued and literally drove my mother crazy at times. Once, when she scolded me for teasing and baiting my little sister, I said (with an accompanying roll of the eyes, I’m sure), “I was just teasing her, mother. Can’t she take a joke?”
My mother stopped, looked me square in the eye, and said, “Just remember, Kathy, that there is always a little truth in every teasing which is why it often hurts others. Many people use teasing as a scapegoat or excuse to send a message to someone when, in actuality, they simply didn’t have the courage or the skill to speak the truth with kindness. You can choose to speak the truth you want to say, or you can decide to remain quiet, but don’t use ‘teasing’ as a cop out for what you want to say because only insecure or mean-spirited people do that.”
Little did either one of us know at the time that I would grow up to teach that lesson over and over to grown professionals. I just observed it with a client toward the end of last year. Something was said at a meeting that offended another person on the team, and when we discussed it, the person claimed it was just a joke. But, it was a joke that hurt. And upon further discussion, it was based on something true which deserved a real discussion.
I’m certainly not saying that we can never poke fun at someone or have a sense of humor, far from it. It’s just really worth the discipline of assuring that your humor isn’t based in a truth you’re afraid to actually address. It takes courage to confront things that aren’t working, address inconsistencies, hold people to the standards they agreed to, or hold a boundary for ourselves, but all of these can be done with kindness, non-judgement, and success if we learn the simple skills to do it.
This week, notice when you go to tease someone at work, at home, or out in the world. Ask yourself if the teasing is a coverup for something real that warrants some thoughtfulness about how to solve it for good. At LionSpeak, we love helping professionals learn the skills to have these Courageous Conversations with ease, grace, and the desired outcomes. We’d love to help you or your entire team up-level your skills. Call us to discuss how easy it is.
“There’s always a little truth in every teasing.”
~ Janette Wade (my mother 😊)
