Because I teach non-judgement, empathy, and emotional regulation in our leadership coaching, sometimes people assume I’ll be “soft” on boundaries, expectations, or standards. I’m not. Far from it. I have no problem holding a firm line on any of these. But I also hold firm to the principle of speaking to others with kindness and respect, assuming the best of them while being crystal clear about the choices we are offering.
I have seen in both professional and personal communication, people stepping into conversations when they are angry, frustrated, or antagonized, and I have witnessed them speaking from those emotions in a demeaning way, while believing they are simply demanding what they want and need.
Demanding is the not the same as demeaning though I don’t believe you need either if you really know how to communicate as a positive leader. You can be decerning and absolute about high standards, firm boundaries, and big expectations without speaking to people as if they are stupid, lazy, or inferior to you. Speaking in a demeaning way does not build respect or loyalty. It builds resentment and disloyalty.
The best leaders know how to invite their people into a culture that is based on these high bars while simultaneously lifting them up emotionally. A good leader is practiced at suspending their harsh judgement of a person or behavior or the choices they will ultimately make. They know that their task in any situation is not to demean or even reprimand but rather to make the choices clear and, then, to encourage the other person to choose the one that is best for them. A great leader knows that their job is to champion the other person, making sure they know that they’re wanted on the team and that the leader is rooting for them to make the best decision for their career and life.
Our role as leaders is to have the courage to clear up the available choices and take a stand for the greatness of both parties. We are at our best as leaders when we speak with respect and positivity and do not allow ourselves to become sloppy and emotionally lazy and speak to our people in a demeaning or dismissive way.
Calmness and kindness is not weakness. Clarity of choice is not the same as being demanding. And our emotional regulation is not up to them; it’s up to us. We are leaders for a reason. We signed up for this. If we want better, we must do better.
“Be the kind of person that people would follow voluntarily; even if you had no title or position.”
~ Brain Tracy
