If we’re honest, most of us hate conflict. We either gear up for an uncomfortable fight, or we avoid it altogether. I think conflict gets a bad rap. I believe conflict feels uncomfortable to us because we’ve blindly adopted an old definition of it from parents, co-workers, friends, and society in general. We look at it through the frame we’ve inherited, but what if we could look at conflict through a new frame? What if we could see conflict as an opportunity to bring people together and close the gap of clarity around important issues.
Here’s how conflict could be defined:
- Conflict suggests there is something to discuss about which we or others care deeply.
- Conflict is a signal that there is a need for clarity around a current agreement or potentially an agreement that is missing and needs to be created.
- Conflict is an opportunity to deepen our understanding of those with whom we are in relationship and become closer as a result.
- Conflict is a space within which we can develop and strengthen our own communication, self-regulation, and emotional intelligence skills.
When it’s done right, conflict is the gateway to deep, rich, strengthened relationships as well as our own higher self-esteem and self-confidence. When it’s done right, the result is almost always a healthy conversation where two or more people are heard, different opinions or requests are considered, and clear choices are determined and decided upon. When it’s done right, conflict can foster creativity, consider new ideas, and bring clarity to issues that are fuzzy, misaligned, or in need of stronger guidelines. When it’s done right, you’ll have a front row seat to what your family, friends, or co-workers are passionate about and those things to which they are deeply committed.
When it’s done badly or without a clear intention to operate within a new frame, it can quickly deteriorate into an unhealthy, if not hostile, conversation which divides and destroys relationships. No one wants that because no one wins.
It may sound weird, but I’ve gotten to where I actually enjoy when conflict shows up in my world, primarily because I enjoy the process and challenge of using well-honed skills to disarm the emotions and explore the potential that I know lies within it.
I recently heard a quote that resonated with me in its simplicity and its usefulness in conflict: “Clarity is kindness.” When two or more people are unclear about an expectation or they feel that a current agreement has been broken, there is confusion, frustration, and distrust. If the necessary conversation is avoided, over a period of time, these emotions escalate into unhealthy behaviors and often erroneously-held beliefs about one another.
When we enter conversations with a new frame of leveraging and exploring the opportunity to create clarity, update agreements, or explore new ideas, we stop the destructive train of negative emotions and behaviors. When we insist on clarity, we are insisting on kindness. We are being kind to bring these conversations to those we care about.
This week, try changing your current frame and definition of conflict. Consider where greater clarity is needed about current agreements or missing ones, and make it your goal to learn the skills you need to drive that clarity and creativity to bring more kindness and strengthen your relationships.
If you don’t know where to turn to get those skills or that training, GOOD NEWS! We have just launched our new LionSpeak Leadership Academy which is a 12-month, virtual curriculum where you can join with other professionals to learn about how to bring higher level communications skills to your leadership, your team, and your results. If you are a team leader, manager, or owner and you want to coach and develop a team of critical thinkers, problem-solvers, and mature communicators who have passion for their work, positive attitudes, creative ideas, and are accountable for their actions and their results, you can have this! But, you must go first. Come and join us to learn the coaching, leadership, training, and courageous conversation skills you need to develop the team you’ve been dreaming about! We can’t wait to see you there.
“Peace is not the absence of conflict. Peace is the ability to handle conflict by peaceful means.”
~ Ronald Reagan
